Notes from a sheep filled arcapeligo: first impressions, Baileys behaving badly, and unintentional public displays of nudity

Greetings from middle earth, otherwise know as New Zealand,

As many of you may or may not know, I am travelling around this archipelago with my parents and hordes of sheep as company, although I have yet to see any sheep.... yet. This is in part because we are in Auckland, the countries largest city which houses 1/4 of the population (1.3 million).

We arrived yesterday morning at 5 am, Air New Zealand is now my second favourite airline, British Airways still being the first. The plane food was almost as epic as the safety video( lord of the rings themed featuring Gollum). Kiwis are very proud of the fact that they are kiwi and their culture, with good reason, there music is badass so i spent most of the flight rocking out to Fat Freddys Drop and Lorde and watching Kiwi films (Sionis wedding) which are brilliant and hilarious.

Spent most of yesterday relaxing at the hotel but today I went for a stroll in the city centre. Auckland is very beautiful with excellent coffee ( Im sorry JJ your coffee tastes like wee in comparison) the scent of coffee wafting through the air. It has some very gorgeous European architecture and a beautiful harbour with lots of parks and funky shops. It doesn't feel like 3 days before christmas, I went into multiple shops today and they were absolutely dead. People here are much more friendly than in Canada and kept offering me chocolate in the clothing shops and were more than happy to engage in friendly banter.

There are lots of lanes that act as wind tunnels in addition to quirky shops and pubs. Except the wind is warm and tropical which is most lovely.

Absolutely loving the fact that the stores blast music outside as you walk past and its my favourite music, which i previously mentioned, where I have made an idiot out of myself jiving in the street, although that is not the most idiotic thing I have done in the last twenty four hours. Was out on a walk about and really needed a wee saw a public loo which looked like something from the future. You pushed the green button and it slid back as if you were going into doctor evils layer, and it opened very quickly. So  when i went in I thought it would close as quickly as it opened.... It didn't and with my bladder being fuller than the Okavango Delta i dropped my trousers as quickly as possible and to my horror the door was half open so about 15 kiwis unintentionally saw my pasty white bum. Putting the grand total at nationalities who have seen my pasty white bottom at around 12 ( the others being when I was a small child running around naked in various countries and the result of a bus ride from Rwanda to Uganda with a bunch of African women).

Minus making a complete tit out of myself within 48 hours of arriving in a new country, the parents and I have had a great time so far and have been behaving badly. At our hotel, there is this floor where you get free booze and free appetizers....which means free dinner for us and cheeky times... the people working there have started taking the mickey of us now. its a good riot.

Well its day two of our adventure, and so far we haven't killed each other. lets hope it lasts.

Why Forming a Base is Outdated.

This picture always makes me laugh

As one work through their university marathon and the finish line gets closer with each semester is completed one finds them selves bombarded with the question, " Are you staying in [insert city here that said person is studying at]?", or " Are you going to make [ insert city said person lives in because their university is in] your base?" As I am now over the half way mark at the university marathon, these question is starting to become increasingly frequent and is now starting to drive me up the ceiling of the sistine chapel.

As a result of being unemployed deep thoughts are becoming a frequent activity that occur on transit, cooking breakfast, or getting sunburnt. These thoughts usually consist of pondering the word "base" its meaning and its point. Base means the place where you want to place your life. I'm finding this to be a bit of an outdated concept. "Basing" was pretty common up until about 25 years ago, people didn't move around or travel a lot or get jobs that took them overseas or to different parts of the country.

Now days, even if you do stay in the city you finished university and try and for that you base, it still won't end up being your base because more often than not people will move around more as a result of more work in other places and keep moving or eventually move out for other reasons, whether it be frustration, finances or need for an adventure.

The only way a base is guaranteed I believe is when you are born, raised, go to uni, work and die all in the same place, which sounds absolutely dreadful for me. I would much have 500 volts of electricity jab into my right bum cheek every day for the next 30 years than do that. That could be because it sounds " normal" and I prefer to have my life filled with shenanigans and adventures.

Another reason is why basing is becoming an outdated and over rated and difficult boils down to taste and attraction.

The relationship between a person and a town/ city, is very much like the relationships people have with their significant others, in their quest to find the one.

Stages in relationships go like this for the most part, Person A heres good thing about Person B and a conversation strikes up a conversation, Person A finds them attracted to a lot of things about Person B, but not necessarily all of them but thinks they can look over them exchange of numbers. Then comes courtship, honey moon phase which on average lasts about six months and then usual the first hurdle appears which more often than not the couple is able to work through fairly easily, there are more hurdles along the way and eventually one of them can't take it any more and it comes to an end.

Then there is the course of flings where there is a mutual attraction but bother Person A and B know that it's for a limited time, things run their course and it comes to an end but both have fond memories.

Much is the same the relationship between a person and potential base share. A Person will here a story of a place, or maybe have even maybe visiting the place and decide they want to move there, because they are convinced the good out weigh the bad. The moving to the place is the courtship, then comes the honey moon phase where the person is in awe of the place they have moved, enjoy the novelties and start to discover the city. This phase usually lasts bout 1.5 years, maybe two and then the first hurdle comes along and reality hits, the things you didn't think would bug you that much start to bug you and as you grow as a person and what you find attractive and important starts to change.

Convinced you can truck it out and that things will get better you jump over the hurdles one by one, then the novelties that you fell for and the initial charm and charisma you encountered when you first arrived in the place has vanished and the characteristics you thought you could get over or change now have an overarching presence that won't change no matter how much you wish.

Then You confined with others about the troubles your having with your relationship with the city you reside in and they are faced with the same. Then you decide to take a break from the city, to see if things are better when you come back, sometimes they are short, sometimes they are long and sometimes the revive the tired relationship. Then for some relationships the breaks stop working, and then you have to deliver an ultimatum which can be summed up as " fuck it i'm leaving", ending that relationship and in search of the next one.

Unfortunately, I am currently in the break up phase with Vancouver, what drew me to this city was that it was bigger than Kelowna had more culture and the seaside. The honeymoon phase was good, but thats long dead, the cliques, the fact it is the most unfriendly city in North America and more than 35% of the population experiences loneliness, the condescending nature that comes with it, the falseness that comes with it, the narrow-mindedness, the temper-tantrums other wise known as the weather, which I thought I could handle but I apparently can't any more.

Kelowna and I had a bitter end, which looks like thats where my relationship with Vancouver is heading. Arusha and I had a lovely little fling that will always fill my heart with joy when I think of that city in the foothills of Kilimanjaro. Brisbane in Australia is the next fling I have coming up in January, which I am looking forward to immensely.

Peoples taste in cities tends to be like their taste in partners. For example, I like tall men who tend to be a bit older than me with a good sense of humour, are smart, cultured, travelled and are a little rough around the edges with bold personalities. Same goes for cities, having lived in 4 different places now, I have developed a type. I like tall buildings and being surrounded by history, culture genuine things, that is slightly nocturnal and has seen millions come and go in its life time, filled with quirks that forever keep you entertained and have a strong character that is too the point; then again this is just my type and everyone is different.

Vancouver is a gorgeous city.....when the sun comes out 8 weeks of the year, mountains and beaches are nice, and the sunny days really are quite wonderful but it isn't enough for me. For the people who base themselves here it might be that. I also wonder if some of the people who base themselves here only need a hot lover whose good in bed to be content as well.

I think, or at least I hope what I have laid out here outlines the complex nature of trying to find a base and how it is pretty much pointless trying to find one, cause more often than not everyone has to move at some point, with or without will.

Rushing into trying to find a base so people can stop breathing down your neck that you need one other wise you will be lonely and die old miserable with no friends and will have lost complete control of you bladder if you didn't form a base in your twenties is like rushing in marriage because all of your friends are getting married and everyone is having a go at you for being the only single one. It will leave you being an unhappy, mess asking yourself "why did I think this was a good idea?"

Basing is a thing of the past, like neon crop tops and crimped hair and flash dance, so there isn't really any point in trying to practice it any more it just leads to frustration and stress which everyone has enough of in their lives as it is.

The times they are a-changing.......or are they?

Its been a while since I wrote anything but I think i finally now have something decent worth writing. I finished uni for the year about 2 months ago and have been emerging from a broke student hermit to a broke ass working girl who sells over priced cooking supplies to posh people who smell funny and Germans and Scottish people who have a fascination with mini spactulas...... I dont get it it's a pice wooden , silicon or plastic thing used  for many purposes chiefly scraping food out of a sodding pot.

As a result of going from broke ass student stressed out and strung out on caffiene to broke ass working girl who remains unstressed and has gone back to a more normal caffinee consumption....... and slightly higher alcohol consumption my routine has changed.

Every morning I grab a coffee and sit on the steps of the Indian consulate general nurse my coffee and read the news on my phone if theres anything interesting, but for the most part its more like "UN IS CONFUSED AND IS STUCK ABOUT WHAT TO DO" "RUSSIA IS BEING A FUCKTARD" "Another bomb went of in Syria and things are getting nasty and hundreds of people are dying" " Muslims are getting cheeky and reaking havoc.......again" "AFRICA IS POOR FULL OF AIDS WAR, RAPE AND FAMINE" " Israel is being a douche to Palestine again" " Chinas misbehaving again" and " OOOH SPIES!"...... same shit different ass hole day in day out so I usually just end up watching the world go buy cause thats much more fun.

As a result of seeing these headlines day in and day out and being a student of history my mind wanders to the topic has the world really changed? Like almost all other things in life the answer is sort of. The world has changed in the sense that technology has evolved and for the most part, the world is more "technologically advanced" with inventions like social media, touch screen technology the internet etc.

The world has also changed in regards to music as well as with new technologies enables new types of music to be produced and intern tastes towards music have evolved as well.

Fashion is another thing that has changed as people do not dress how they use to in the 1920's and some decades keep reappearing namely the 80's...... god forbid.

So ok, the world has changed then yes in regards to what I just mentioned but in regards to world power behaviour things have not really changed. To illustrate this i'm going to analyze my simplified headlines.

" UN IS CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT TO DO"- simple enough really, having taken multiple classes on how the UN functions......or doesn't the UN being confused about what to do about conflicts and various issues takes you back to the League of Nations, the UN's predecessor in the interwar period, was unorganized nothing got done....... sound like the UN.... well, yes.

" RUSSIA IS BEING A FUCKTARD"- Mother Russia ( in the best Russia accent I can do) The king of all fucktards, from the first world war with the decision to mobilize early because they "needed" more time. To the cold war when they would veto everything at the UN........ sound like whats going on with Syria right now? yes.

"Another bomb went of in Syria and things are getting nasty and hundreds of people are dying"- Syria a tragic case, one know for its prosperity and beauty  has descended into a war zone at the onset of the Arab Spring and with accusations of ethnic cleansing being carried out within the country and the UN is still unsure about what to do. Sound like Yugoslavia in the 90's? yes.

" Muslims are getting cheeky and reaking havoc.......again"- Since 9/11 the concept of Islamism and Islamic terrorism has worked its way into our everyday vocabulary and the first bad thing to happen in any country the first person to blame is the Muslims or anyone remotely associated with the Islamic faith. Personally, i'm getting flashbacks to the Cold War where their answer for everything was "when in doubt blame the communists".

"AFRICA IS POOR FULL OF AIDS WAR, RAPE AND FAMINE", self explanitory really, the common misconception that the dark continent is full of rape war in famine and since many African countries receieved their independence from various colonial powers Africa has and continues to be portrayed as a horrible evil place for the most part.

" Israel is being a douche to Palestine again"- The Israeli Palestine conflict, something that has existed since the age of the dinosaurs, much like white people oppressing black people in South Africa. With the conflict getting increasingly more violent, Palestinians being further segregated, and the Free Palestine movement gaining an increasingly global backing, direct parallels can be seen to that of the situation which was Apartheid South Africa.

" Chinas misbehaving again"- China the worlds fastest growing economy and as a result basically being abel to do what ever it wants because "I'm China you are nothing without me".... Cue flashbacks to the USA post WWII.

 " OOOH SPIES!"- Since WWI spies have been used as cheeky tools to gather information from other people about other countries to use to their advantage. A tool that continues to be used today. Naturally some spies tend to let stuff slip out, and soon enough thanks to the internet everyone finds out soon enough and then we find ourselves thrust into an Ian Flemming novel all over again.

The list goes on but i've got some bacon cooking and I don't want to burn it so I'm going to let you lot ( if anyone is reading this) play a little game. If you take out 1 word and put in another word or one country and replace it for another the headline on any major news website, that headline could be from a news paper 10-100 years ago.

So now you have heard my case that the world as sort of changed but when push comes to shove and you get to the core of it all, the world hasn't changed much, in my opinion anyways.

heres a song for you to ponder too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCWdCKPtnYE

Dear Oxford Dictionary, you're stupid please redefine the words "home" and "family", sincerely Anna

It is 1 am on a friday night, the day before my first shift of work at new job and my brain has decided that the " I need to write" is more of a priority than sleeping. Stupid brain...... the other week it was telling me " no Anna you do not need to write about white people oppressing black people.... sleep..... sleep it's good for you"..... really wish it was the other way round at this point but whatever.

Language changes with the times change, anyone who has suffered through high school English can testify this when trying to figure out what Shakespeareian solilloquay's mean. With the word Chav now being included as part of the Oxford English Dictionary, it has come to my attention that two more words need to be redefined, Home and Family because as the world has become increasingly more urbanized and globalized these words have changed to, they have become much broader.

Firstly lets discuss family. Oxford English Dictionary defines family as " a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit" and " all the descendants of a common ancestor". First of Oxford you're stupid because you forgot Aunts Uncles cousins on both sides of the family and if you have gay aunts or uncles and who live in a country where gay marriage is legal what ever term they are suppose to be called. Secondly , there is a more than famous quote " it takes a village to raise a child", with urbanization more people are now living in cities, and with globalization the world is increasingly interdependent meaning it takes a city and a world to raise a child these days.  I have now lived in three countries and I am now more than comfortable saying that I do not have one family, I have many. I have my biological family, who have been with me through almost everything, I have my best friends family who when the pick me up from the airport it is like I never left and I always feel welcomed, I have the many men  women in Africa who cared for me, the rich and the poor, whether it was providing me with chappatti, water and tea after I drank too much Konyagi the nigh before or giving in a place to have a hot shower in their mansion and a queen size bed to sleep in after being discharged from the hospital for the second time. 

I have my university family, the people that go through  almost everything that I have been through as hold you up, give you a cuddle when you had a bad day, and revisit childhood with you buy building forts in your living room with you. I have my traveller family, which has a unlimited amount of members some that are closer than others.  In todays world, it is these groups from around the world or the city that you live in that raise you as you work your way into adult hood. For me, I believe that I have been raised by the world, my political opinions differ greatly from my parents as a result of the education I have received by various people, by the situations I have been in and buy the random people who have graced my life, if only for a minute. Family according to Anna, is a feeling of acceptance love and kindness with people that support you and love you no matter what your going through whether the be biologically  linked to you or people who feel they are related to you buy some special connection which is never ending.

Enough about family now on to Home. Once again Oxford, your stupidity never ceases to amaze me (why do people want to go to uni here?????) here it is defined " he place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household", and " an institution for people needing professional care or supervision:". I read an article about how to have a home without loosing your roots, the jist of it was saying how home isn't a house or location it's a feeling that you get  from something and it can be anything in the world. I could not agree more in all honesty, people often ask me where I am from, I give the semi complicated speheal about how I am a transient child of the world and I am often followed by the question " so where is home?" and I never know not to say, I use to think England was always home until I came back to Tanzania from travelling its neighbours and I got that home feeling I get when I walk through passport control and ever since then I have permanently been confused about this whole "home" thing. 

For me, I feel like home is a bit like falling in love(another thing that I am confused about), its like an electric feeling that goes through your veins that instantly sends you beaming from ear to ear and when you speak of it its all fondness of it. I feel like some people are born into a place, live there their whole life, move away from there for a bit and come back and get that special feeling. My cousin said to me once, " After living in London living anywhere else isn't like living in a proper place", so I assume London will forever and always be home for him. Some others find it quite easily, and some like myself, are searching and struggling for that special place to call home.

 I have decided though that I either have no  homes, or  I have many homes, just like I have many families, I don't like restricting myself to places or people so I wander and it's that wandering feeling that gets the electricity pumping, it gives me freedom. A lot of people ask me what my plans are after uni and if I will stay in Vancouver, and I tell them,  i'm probably not.  I like to leave places on high notes and I want to spend my uni days here, have good memories of that and part my ways with it and also that I want to go chase the sun around the planet. The I get this comment by some stupid people that I am forced to spend my academic career with " but BC is the only place worth living in in the world" and I just die a little inside and change the topic. 

For me the people of this world have raised me into the person that I am today, and I could not be more thankful for them, all of my families, each of them has sculpted me and continues to sculpt me into a better person each day and it is the places in this world that have shown me what will make me want to call a place home and what makes certain people want to call certain places home. So when I tell people I am going to chase the sun about the planet they say " what about your family". Well I have family all around, my biological family may not be there physically but they are still their and I still love them, then I have my other families. 

I don't expect a lot of people to understand my logic, but I am a strange child so I don't really care, it makes sense to me..... more sense than the idiots writing the dictionary which is suppose to be accurate.

I guess if you want to sum up my long-winded logic in a sentence,  about how family and home need to be redefined, King Sobhuza II, Ngwenyama of Swaziland sums it up pretty well,


" We are all of the earth, which does not see differances of colour, religion or race. We are all Kamhlaba- all of one world"

The Importance of Africa

Its now approaching 1 am on a Wednesday night.... or is it Thursday morning at this point... either way I don't give a shit and it's two weeks till summer break which is exciting and yet also terrifying at the same time. At this point it term it's just one  essay after another about, why the world is f**&ed, genocide, war, famine, UN being a load of bollocks, foreign aid not working half of the time and white people oppressing people then realizing " oh maybe we should stop doing this cause we are in serious horse shit with the international community and they're all saying its really bad to oppress black people now", and trends in Africans killing each other since independence.

As lovely and cheery as that all is, I don't feel like doing any of that at this point, I'm still going to write something about Africa. Most of you know by this point I am a massive Africa geek and write mainly of Africa because it's juicy and I, for some reason understand it in comparison to the Middle East where I have absolutely no idea whats going on and for my final essays have this exact going through my head, *i'm going to replace  two naughty word with something that sounds like it so I don't get a fiery email from my mother*.

 "duck duck duck duckiting duck pits pits pits mother ducking duck...... is that the right Mohammend..... is that the al-whats it's pickle...... *stupid Yemen(or alternate middle eastern country).... ISLAM WHY YOU SO CONFUSING!! *cries/slams head on desk* oh dear god please let me do alright on this essay". Repeat.

Africa has been a lot on my mind lately, partly cause i'm taking classes on it and partly cause it's almost a year since I was, there and I'm starting to miss home number 4... or is it 5? at this point and partly because I was listening to Damian Marley's album, "Distant Relatives" where the map of Africa is on the cover. Having written multiple essays on Africa in the past 3 years of my degree I am starting to realize how important it is.

For economists and the world market, it provides many of the things we need to profit from and use as intermediate goods, it provides you with that overpriced heated carbon rock,  you present to the "love of your life"( i'm not synical :P) at all, it provides pipes in your houses, oil for your cars, and part of your mobile phone, and that substance which keeps you alive and functioning in the mornings or helps you survive the last weeks of uni.

For women, it produces in the chief ingredient of that magical substance that gets us through our period,  or when men are being shit, otherwise known as chocolate.

It shows you how little you need to be happy. It teaches you how to celebrate "unity in diversity", something that a lot of countries lack. It takes this term, " unity in diversity", and applies to to every aspect of the African lifestyle, wether it be culture, music, society. 

 It's a place where they handle each problem the people face, they face it with dignity and are filled with pride when they overcome it. It is the land of warmth, both climate wise and culturally. It is the land of responsibilities and the land of respect. It is a place that is in your bloodstream. 

It is the birthplace of mankind. It is the land which shows you what you are suppose to be.  It is the land that tests you. It is the land that shows you what your are capable of. It is the biggest melting pot in the world.  It is the land where you cannot believe this is your life and makes you appreciate it.

It is the land of the people who fought against white domination. the land who fought against black domination. the land of the people who fought and cherished the ideas of  democratic and free societies where all people can and will live in harmony with equal opportunities. It is an ideal that many hoped and continue to hope to live for ,and achieve. But if need be it is an ideal for which they are prepared to die for.

Finally, it is the land that shows you what love is and what it is to be love, wether it be for the peoples, the landscapes, the lifestyles, the animals or the simplicity of it all.

This is obviously generalizing, some countries may or may not embrace all these elements but the large majority of them do and I am sure you could apply some of what I have said to other parts of the world but for me Africa is all of this.

There is a quote I quite like " where ever you go becomes a part of you somehow"Anita Desai. Everywhere you go in life you has a special  place in you're heart, but there is something about Africa which makes it incredibly special and important to me. 

I was saying to a friend of mine that I missed drinking chai and eating chapatti in a wooden shack and eating an avocado on the back of a motor bike on my way to work, to which he replied, " I had no idea you were so African." I suppose I guess I am kind of part African, we all are really, literally in the scientific sense but also, for those who have been there and had an elaborate love affair with the place we have picked up some Africa tendencies during our time their (positive ones I hope not raping virgins thinking thats how you will cure HIV).

To conclude, I will leave you with part of a speech from Thabo Mbeki, second president of post-Apartheid South Africa. He may be regarded as an idiot by ignoring the HIV pandemic sweeping the country, but his words hear our genius.

"I am an African!

I owe by being to the hills and the valleys, the mountains and the glades, the rivers, the deserts, the trees, the flowers, the seas and the ever-changing seasons that define the face of our native land. My body has frozen in our frosts and in our latter day snows. It has thawed in the warmth of our sunshine and melted in the heat of the midday sun. The crack and the rumble of the summer thunders, lashed by startling lightening, have been a cause both of trembling and of hope… The dramatic shapes of the [landscape] have… been panels of the set on the natural stage on which we act out the foolish deeds of the theatre of our day.

At times, and in fear, I have wondered whether I should concede equal citizenship of our country to the leopard and the lion, the elephant and the springbok, the hyena, the black mamba and the pestilential mosquito. A human presence among all these, a feature on the face of our native land thus defined, I know that none dare challenge me when I say – I am an African!"

School Angst courtesy of Trainspotting

Choose  a social life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, choose a coming home at the end of the day without 400 pages of reading, choose bubble baths, fancy shower gels,  leather couches, and 

Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose  being student loan free. Choose a starter home. Choose  having time to see your friends.

Choose only having to look at microsoft word every 6 months if you want to . Choose having once consistent wardrobe and not the "normal human being look" and "hermit mode" . Choose holiday planning and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning without thinking "oh shit i have a paper due/ exam tuesday. Choose sitting on that couch watching  BBC world news cause you can afford to get that from your cable compamy,  and eating a steak pie . Choose going for a drink on a friday night without feeling guilty , having  dinner party in you home, which consists more that 500 bags of crisps and different kids of cake guaranteed to induce diabetic shock. Choose your future. Choose life.

I chose not to choose life: I chose something else, I chose to be a student. And my reasons? I thought it would be a good idea, make lots of new friends grow, develop, push myself so I can get a career one day...... and it was a good idea for the most part.... except now where i'm craving a steak pie with mash can't afford steak.... beautiful steak (drool)....... and am convinced that Microsoft word was invented by the devil and am desperate for a social life that is more than doing homework in various locations with various people. But who needs or want  any of that when you can pass out on a pile of text books and academic journal articles in your hermit clothes with a wisdom bun fully intact? 

" Nothing is more Delightful than to confuse and upset people"-Tristan Zara

Once again, the weather in this town is absolutely shit. Apparently the rainy season in the Southern Hemisphere has moved north excepts, unlike the rainy season in the souther hemisphere where ya know..... it actually gets sunshine between downpours......the sun got left behind. I really wish you could buy adult nappies that were big enough to stretch over the buildings to absorb all the rain, if not a sizeable chunk of it so that your rain coat actually works. Apparently H and M's rain coats arn't designed for Vancouver weather, despite the fact that Stockholm( the capitol) has similar precipitation levels to Vancouver, either way SWEDEN YOU SUCK!

I have been in my cave that looks like Coventry after the war aka my room doing my homework... or at least attempting to, in reality i've just been watching English telly, and eating large quantities of curry. About a year ago now, my brother and I were chatting about weird things that the English do/ weird English things that make no sense, or people cant comprehend and are difficult to explain to Canadian's/ they don't really understand and their facial expressions become absolutely priceless.

I got the Idea for this post when I was watching  Big Fat 90's Quiz of the Year and Mr Blobby appeared who I had not seen in about 8 years and just about shit myself due to being so scared. To this day I have absolutely no idea how I was A) not terrified of him as a child because i certainly am nob) how he was allowed on telly 3) who came up for this idea 4) how in the hell was he allowed near children.

So here is a list of things for my fellow expats to say/ do if they feel like confusing and upsetting people ( upset because they don't get it not because  your a twat)

1) watch trainspotting without subtitles
2) show them Mr Blobby or try to explain what/who he is and his presence in British pop culture.
3)Conckers, the childhood game
4) Explain the concept of Red Nose day, the facial expressions are priceless.
5) Tarts and Vicars Party, and how its normal for men to dress up as prostitutes.
6) simply say either of these two phrases " I love a good bit of spotted dick" or " I could murder a spotted dick right about now"
7)tell them about your primary school and how you actually have houses not like harry potter
8) Suggest Pub Golfing and how it works
9) Gherkins
10) Egg and Spoon races at sports day in primary school
11) try to explain that we sort of have 3 national anthems
12) finally, try and explain to them the concept of the United Kingdom.

there are a few more which i may add at a later date once I remember them

Now fellow expats, do and try the above because, in the words of Tristan Tsara, " nothing is more delightful than to confuse and upset people"

The Transient Children of the World

It's a wednesday, I should be working  on  a presentation, or editing an essay, or researching another one to compensate for my lack of productivity this weekend but instead i'm sitting in a coffee shop listining to Australian alternative rock writing this instead.

When you do a degree in international studies and history you read a lot about ethnic groups/ minority groups/ tribalism.... the list goes on. Having spent the past few days at the beach, watching the ocean's tide come in and out, your mind starts to wonder. This time my mind wondered to this thought, with the world becoming increasingly interconnected, increasingly globalized, and interracial marriages becoming common, the world has given birth to a new ethnic group that is growing rapidly; The Transient Children of the World.

The Transient Children of the World, are a group of children who may be born in once country but have moved around a lot, have adventurous parents, have their lives in more than once place and don't really have a place to call home, they sort of do but not really.

For some of them, home is what ever their  passport says, some of them, its where they spent the crucial years of  child hood development. Although, some have a home, some don't have a home and some have many homes. Depends on the child really.

Transient Children tend to follow the same religion, travelling. They choose to practice this religion not by reading lonely planet guides or watching travel shows but by focusing their life around ways they can maximize travel, wether its by studying abroad, working abroad, or trying to plan what they want to do with their life around jobs that will take them abroad.

Transient Children of the World tend to be an very inclusive bunch of people for the most part who embrace all cultures and walks of life. In General, they are incredibly open minded, although there are some who are closed minded.

There are no chiefs or leaders of of the Transient Children of the World. They are each their own leader, guided by the planet and the random locations they find on google maps that they decide they want to explore.

Each Child has a specific bias to certain areas they wish to explore, wether it's deserts, oceans, lake. For me, it's island. I haven't got any clue why, but every time I discover a random island on google maps/ images it becomes on my list of never ending places to explore.

I am a Transient Child of the World. My passport(s) say Manchester is home, but I have no connection to the city. I grew up in a commuter town mixed with posh people and chav's. I lived in the middle of nowhere British Columbia... a place that is pretty similar to what pergatory is ( to my family reading this please don't kill me). I'm now in Vancouver, its a semi-home but doesn't really feel like a home.

The closest feeling I get to home is passing through the EU nationals line up at Heathrow but I can't really pitch a tent at passport control and live off of airport food for my rest life. Something tells me that British Border Control wouldn't be to happy about that.... or Heathrow Airport for that matter.

So, I'm putting my hand on the Lonely Planet's, "The Travel Book", swearing my loyalty to being a Transient Child of the World, to keep exploring, keep learning and keep meeting cool people.

Who knows,  maybe I'll find a home, maybe all Transient Children of the World will find a home eventually. In the mean time however, in the words of Hans Chirstian Andersen," To travel is to live" and my self nor any other Transient Children of the World are planning on kicking the bucket for at least another forty five years.

The Best Place in the World: The Middle of Nowhere

Middle of nowhere, Hawaii

Everyone seems to have their opinion on where they think the most beautiful/ best place on earth is. So as a means to avoid doing Economics at all possible costs. Heres my two cents. Currently residing in the part of Canada is the " best place on earth" according to the lisence plate. Personally I would love to see the statistics which allowed this conclusion to be drawn because it's a bit of a obnoxious statement. Don't get me wrong, British Columbia is a lovely place, with lovely people and gorgeous surroundings, but it buy no means shits gold metaphorically and literally speaking . There are quite a few places that shit gold in the most literal sense of the term(countries that have high gold reserves) and Canada is not one of them, and according to the IMF the USA and India and Germany are currently shitting the most gold..... Anyways thats beside the point. 

Now approaching my 21st year of being a self proclaimed child of the world, and my interest in photography continuing to flourish, plus my travel hunger and sunshine craving I have been looking over photos from my travels lately and have now decided to be as obnoxious as the British Columbian Provencial goverment and say that British Columbia is not the best and most beautiful place on earth. In fact the best and most beautiful place on earth in the middle of nowhere so suck it Christy Clarke!

middle of nowhere, Oregon.

The middle of nowhere is not a specific location. It's sort of a grey area, I suppose the best way I can describe the middle of nowhere is its in the boundaries of a geographical feature (country, ocean), but if someone was to ask you to point it out on a map you probably wouldn't have a clue where to point to. The middle of nowhere has a bunch of hidden treasures, and has a somewhat untouched element to it. The middle of nowhere is not in any guide books, and anyone who has an encounter with it at some point in their life,  has a special connection to it. 

To cement my argument even more and to slightly annoy people who think BC shits gold ( im feeling cheekier than usual today) I will attack some pictures of my encounters with the middle of nowhere.

middle of nowhere, sahara desert, Egypt

Middle of nowhere, Greek mainland

middle of nowhere, Lake Kivu, Rwanda/Congo 

middle of absolute nowhere, Kenya. 

South African History( till the boer war ) As A Series Of Bar Fights

On Table Bay Road one day Jan Van Riebeck decided he wanted to open a pub as there was no place for his lads to have a drink on the way to the night club down far away called" The Indian Ocean".  It took him a while to estbalish this pub because the Khoi Khoi living in the area wern't too fond of the idea of there neightbourhood being an area for drunken lads to refuel on their way to the pub. After taking all the clean water and hot water supply from the Khoi Khoi. Van Riebeck decided he wanted to turn Table Bay road into the ultimate pub crawl lane, there by maximizing his profit. Every white man that wanted to settle on Table Bay road got a pub to run at his own accord, this pissed of a lot of people in the area as there quiet life style was now being distrupted by drunkard Dutchmen. Some tried to compromise and negotiate with them but inevetiabley they all ended up smashing into the newly established pubs and pub owners homes and stealing. This backfired horribly as the drunk and rowdy Europeans decided to do the same and continue their pub empire further past Table Bay Road. The Dutchmen wanted to maximize their profit and brought people to be beer wenches in their pub land, mostly African but also Asian.

The British, being notorious for seeing something good and taking it captured Table Bay Road and its extensions and decided they wanted to control the ultimate pub crawl land. Dutch people didn't like this because, it meant that they had to server English Beer and speak English and wern't allowed to run into the peaceful neighbourhoods and steal things to sell in their pubs. However, the English had trouble forcing the Dutch to serve Dutch Beer.  Later on, some shit went down  not in the Dutch peoples home land,   that gave the Dutch control again of Table Bay area. This made Dutch people happy, as they could now serve Dutch beer again. This was short lived and the ultimate pub crawl plan on the way to "The Indian Ocean" was handed back to the British.

More Brits moved into the  area and the Brits made it so that the Dutch had to actually pay the people working in the pubs and that the people working there had to stay there learning how to either a) run a pub, b) pour the perfect pint c) manage finances 4) how to DJ 5) how to cook etc. Dutch wern't happy so the Brits gave them an area for them to set up some pubs called the Zurrfeld that the Xhosa occupied only in the summer.

The British, being advocates of "keep calm and carry on" told former people that worked for  pubs ran by the Dutch that they could bring them to try if they were being miss treated and the Dutch got really pissed off, accusing the Brits of being nosey basterds. This caused the Dutch to flip shit and go " FUCK IT I'M LEAVING!" and loaded up their cars with cheap nasty Dutch beer, their wives and pub workers to find somewhere where they could set up their own Dutch bar hopping district . En route to do this,  they ran into a bunch of lads collectively called the Zulu who seemed to think they were from Sparta and were going on a bit of a lads tour rapeing, drinking excessive amounts,  and performing dance of the flaming asshole wherever they went as they went.

One night, in a bar in Zulu occupied area the Dutch walked in confused about where this bar had come from as several years earlier they had been in the same spot and there were no bars there. One of the Dutch lads, Pieter Retief went up to the owner of the Zulu pub, Shaka and went " Who the fuck are you mate?", Shaka turned around smashed a pint glass in his face, screamed " COME AT ME BLUD" and Retief died, Andries Pretorios then smashed a pint glass in Shaka's face and Dutch and Zulu's  proceeded to glass each other till blood ran out of the pub and the pub was forced to shut.

At this point the Brits, the defacto problem solvers they like to think they are, deiced they should probably create several areas for the Dutch to have a Dutch bar hopping district and be Dutch. This was a bit problematic, as some Dutch people wanted bigger bars than others leaving some with holes in the walls and the Brits let the people who use to work for the Dutch work for themselves.

Meanwhile not so far from Table Bay Road, a young girl had a prophecy from her ancestors about how to get rid of the English.  "If you set fire to all the supermarkets  and drink all the beer they won't want to be here any more and you will be independent". Some people believed her, and mass alcohol poisining ensued and the Brits were forced to pump everyones stomachs and help them rebuild their lives.

In the shadow of all this, a little man named Moeshoeshoe was asking the British if he and his own people could have a tiny strip to run their own pub crawl street that reflected his peoples drinking culture, the Brits said yes.

Things were smooth for a little bit, until Absinth and Grey Goose Vodka were discovered hidden near all the bar districts in which bar owners would send people to go get the goods and bring it back. At this point, the Brits once again decided to try keep everyone calm buy naturally taking them over again and pumping them full of tea. However, a group called the Griqua which were a mix of Africa people with  Dutch drinking culture felt they should control it cause it was closest to their bar hopping district.

The British and Dutch pub crawl areas decided that they controlled the Absinth and Grey Goose and that everyone else can suck it. That went tits up, very quickly when drunk roudey Brits and Dutchmen started running into each others pubs smashing bar stools over one another's heads, glassing one another and punching each other in the face, this went on for about 4 years.

After the police showed up, to figure out who started the fight it was concluded that a posh English twat, Cecil Rhodes threw the first punch in attempts to take over the Dutch bars that were sitting on top of the Absinth and en route to an area which use to have a lot of Absinth, Mashonaland.

Cecil was in a bad mood and he was sick of dealing with the locals in the area taking his pubs business and got involved with politics .  He said, they could not work or be involved in British or Dutch bars. He also stated that they had to have a certain level of education to work and participate in anything important in the pub districts. Most importantly, he made it only possible for  Dutch and British  bars to have 1 pound jager bomb wednesdays and sell imported alcohol.  All other bars were only allowed to serve cheap horse piss larger . However, the Brits and Dutch would advertise the local bars and make sure they got customers too( this didn't really happen though).


More to come in final exam time. Sorry its grossly simplified, i got the idea from the economist. after they did WWI and WWII as a bar fight.

Janet: The story of an African child

In September, a good friend of mine and I were going to by a text book for one of our classes and we were catching up over what we had been up to over the summer. He is African by birth and I was telling him about how amazing how different the kids are there in comparison to here and he said something thats stuck with me, " It's because they have to deal with so much more and have way more responsibilities and by the time they are six they are full time mothers." That sentence has been in the back of my head for the past five months now and about two weeks ago I was looking over my photo's of a gazillion African babies and I found a series of photographs, of this 1 child, Janet that shows all the different dynamics of  children in Africa ( and other developing countries) and what makes them so special.

She has a strong face and a stronger personality.
 I met her at Plaster House after she came for surgery
where she became my friend and helper.

This is Janet, aged six. Here you see a little girl, happy and healthy as can be. 

Here you see a little girl who is scared, frightend,
 sad like many other children

Here you see a little girl who has seen far to much for her age, who has grown up fast, and who although she is young, she has probably had a tough life and her face shows it.

Here you see a little girl who cares for those younger than her with pride, and enthusiasm. When this picture was taken, my friend Maria had just finished reading the kids stories. Janet walked over, picked up the books and carried on leading the children in story time.

Here you see a little girl, being silly, cheeky. Like a child should be.

Finally, here you see a little girl, so happy and so content  with life and enjoying the simple pleasures.
Like she should be, like all children should be.

This is one of the many children who I met during my time in Tanzania, one of the may children I grew to love as my own, and one of the many children I will never see again.

Academics and Children: One and the same.

It is now the middle of the semester and mount homework is now in full view and I have yet to reach base camp.  Highlights of the past month have included having a bubble bath and learning how to poach an egg. Needless to say, my life is a ABSOLUTE RAVE right now and is much more exciting than Ibiza. I am currently in the process of writing a literature review which is due tomorrow at midnight and I have another one due on friday.  For those of you who have not written and academic literature review, all it basically is is looking at different peoples opinions who think they are right about a certain  issue. Then you basically say why they differ and whose argument is best.

When you get to the later half of your university degree readings multiply at a faster rate than than rabbits do. It has come to my attention now after reading several hundred articles that there really isn't much of a difference between academics and children.

Case in Point.

When you're in primary school person A might make statement say, " Manchester United is better than Liverpool"
Person be responds " no it's not liverpool IS SOOOOO The best"
A retalliates " Yeah they are liverpool is SOO stupid just like you"
and the conversation goes back on forth between calling people idiots until an ultimatum is give, most likely a lie all, all designed to shut the other person up. So, person A might say something like " WELL MY DADDY IS BEST FRIENDS WITH ALEX FERGURSON AND HE SAID THAT THERE THE BEST TEAM IN THE WHOLE WORLD". Person B shuts up and accepts defeat that Manchester United is better than Liverpool.... ( which is super obvious anyways) and person B will try find someone again to prove that Liverpool is better than Manchester United.


As you work your way through university you get quite good at making arguments, wether it be through and academic paper, a debate over facebook on a article someone posted or at a bar after far to much beer. Those  who really enjoy arguing and are good at it continue climbing the academic ladder until the get a PHD, or as I like to call it  Professional Hassler's degree. I call it this because once you decide to become an academic  when you'r not teaching, all you really do is hassle other about who is right and who is not, much like children until you deliver and ultimatum which is distorted to fit you'r opinion on a matter but in a much more formal fashion. Case in point

Prof A argues the cause of Africa is poor because of colonialism, prof B responds by saying no its slavery because slavery created tension. Instead of battling it out in the playground like kids they instead sit in their offices and get in a scholarly article tag war, in which they basically attack each other through a series of academic articles that other academics will either read, or make their students read. These wars can go on for decades, unlike playground wars and eventually one academic will win by either finding something true or seeing something that is loosely true and manipulating it to their advantage. The academic who lost  will find someone engage in the next academic battle with in hopes to convince them that his theory is right.

So to conclude academics and children are one and the same , they engage in arguments, children are less formal academics, the both distorte things in one way or another. Academics spend far more money that children but all they want to do at the end of the day is prove their equals that they are right and they are wrong.

On that note I leave you, and I hope to God that my professors don't stumble upon this and I suddenly find myself entrenched in an academic war, where they are trying to argue to me that they are superior to children. If that's the case I will make it clear that I do not hold Professional Hasslers Degree and nor do I have any desire to for that matter.  Should they persist,  I will do my usual when someone is trying to win an argument that I can't be bothered having, look at them, try change the subject and go " quite frankly I don't give a sh*t".

Lord Alfred Tennyson Translated for Travellers

Since seeing Skyfall and seeing Judi Dench reading Lord Alfred Tennyson's poem, Ulysses I decided to take a read of it and I think it is probably one of my favourite pieces of poetry, or even literature. I know if my mother is reading this she is probably thinking " who the hell are you and what have you done with my daughter". As I'm not one to analyze English literature. There was something about this that I found quite beautiful.  I have translated it to a modern travellers perspective. I cut out the opening paragraph and one of the paragraphs in which describes the person in Ulysses son.    The last paragraph s the one in which Judi Dench reads out in Skyfall, I will not translate, I think it is powerful and bold and simple enough to comprehend.

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades2
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy3.
I am a part of all that I have met;

 No matter what else we should be doing, our minds are constantly running with where we want to go next and what we want to do next. Although our experiences have had ups and downs, and we've had moments where we all want to curl up in a ball and die wether by ourselves or our fellow travel companions. We have seen many cities and their peoples, experienced different climates, and seen very different places and different people. We are all far from our homes. Every where becomes a part of us some how and we become part of where we have been. 

Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.



Yet, all of our experiences come from a world that is travelled, and yet so untravelled at the same time and becomes more untravelled, from the more we travel. It is unbelievably boring to stay in the same place, for too long and we are all so small in this world, yet we are lucky cause we are alive and have experiences so many would kill for, and yet we want more knowledge that comes from travelling not from the text books.



There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;


On life's journey dark things are ahead that people have experienced,beaten and will experience but we have free hearts and free minds to deal with them.




Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:


We are young, but we will become old and eventually die. We can do great things and we will do great things we see bright things in seemingly dull objects. We see all the beauty in this world.


The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.


As days go on and we keep going on in our routines and we are surrounded by many voices complaining about life we grow bored and fed up. You must Remember friends, if you don't like your like then change it, you are not a tree. Keep jumping 15,000 feet out of a plane, with no parachute into deep water and teaching your self how to swim in order to change your life, until you are to old to swim anymore.


It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles4,
And see the great Achilles5, whom we knew
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; 



We may find ourself in too deep at times. We may or may not find true happiness/love and meet our idol's(religious or not). Though in life, much is taken from us much is accepted willingly or unwillingly. We will never be as strong as the forces of nature.
 

That which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield  

The Power Of Sunshine

After a month of uni for Christmas holidays, I am now back and trying to maintain some new years resolutions including procrastinate less, exercise more, be tidier and most importantly, focus on living in the present more as opposed to constantly thinking about the future. Some of the resolutions have gone tits up… primarley procrastinate less and be tidier…oops.

Since returning to the city the weather has been surprisingly pleasant, meaning the sun has come out and its stopped raining for once. This is a very nice change because at times after it has been raining for a week straight with a black sky this city can be as depressing as Germany during the interwar period.  Coming from a country that is infamous for never ending rain and grey then moving to a city that believe it or not gets more rain than London you start to appreciate the sun so much more. This is very much the case for what has happened to me and have now become what I like to call a sunshine slut.

A sunshine slut is someone who whenever the sun pops out gets very excited and goes “ SUNSHINE!” leaps out of bed, grabs some clothes that look half decent and bolt of to play in the sunshine for the day. Explaining why new years resolution of procrastinates less has slowly gone down the toilet. An important thing to note about sunshine sluts is they don’t necessarily want 40-degree weather or blistering heat because they burn very easily they just like knowing the sun exists.

Over the past few days basking in the glories of the sunshine I have come to realize the power of sunshine and its affects on people and how important it is. It’s a known fact that exercise is a part of a balanced healthy lifestyle and when the sun comes out the amount of people out side walking around or running triples.  Obviously some exercise, as a more rigorous than other but the point is more people are running around appreciating the sunshine.

As a result of more people coming outside sunshine makes people more colorful, quite literally. Whether this comes from the exposure to the sun, causing a change in skin pigmentation,  or if it comes from people wanting to imitate the sun by wearing more colorful clothing, which brightens up everyone’s days. This is something I have noticed as a dedicated people watcher, when the weather is crap and dark and gloomy their clothes reflect this and when the suns out the reverse happen.

Sunshine also makes everything more beautiful, by enhancing the colors and the features of the natural landscape that allow people to fall in love with a place all over again and brings a smile to their faces. When people smile it makes them more beautiful and when they smile you can see the best of a person shining through. The sunshine also makes people more beautiful, because, when the sunshine hits a persons face it highlights their best features and makes them stand out more.

Quite often when I think of the places that I have seen, and some of the best days of my life, I think a lot of it has to do with the sunshine. Many parts of the developing world are blessed with more than enough sunshine and the people there tend to be happier. Many people I have discussed this with say,  “ It’s because they have nothing so they enjoy anything that they can get.” This is a valid point and it certainly makes sense but the more I see the power of sunshine I have started to think, is it because these people have more sunshine that they are happier? 

To tell you the truth, I think it might be one of the reasons, because life is a chain of events with ups and downs, and even in our darkest days when all faith in humanity is lost, a little bit of sunshine always allows us to crack a smile.